The struggles and pleasant surprises of becoming a strong single mommy-to-be.
I’m coming up to a 7 week countdown, which really means I should be preparing for a 5 week countdown! I just printed a list to pack a hospital bag, I’m just finishing up my registry and handing out the rest of my invites for my baby shower.
I’ve decided on cloth diapers, and found an amazing company here in Arizona - recommended by another cloth diapering mommmy - with a fabulous infant starter package and a household cleaning system to replace a diaper service. The package will get me on my cloth diapering feet, and will save this single mama a ton of money! For you other mamas looking into cloth diapers, but don’t know what to do for your registry, take a look at mine and the company (Does out of state, too!) I’ve decided with.
I’ve also decided on breastfeeding, and I know the pump I’m looking at is a little spendy, but it will be put to good, long-term use! I’m hoping to feed for a year, at least! I know I will have so much to blog about once Ella arrives. :)
About time for an update, although I’m not sure how much I can put into words.
I’m sneaking up to 31 weeks on Wednesday which means I’m reaching the home stretch! I am definitely not where I want to be with my living situation for Ella and I, seeing as I did not move to Oregon like I had previously started to plan for, but I have to keep one foot in front of the other to get there. So Arizona for me, and moving into a new apartment just short of Ella’s arrival. That’s suuuch a stressful thought, and a part of me wonders how I’m going to do it but I’m hopeful that something will pull through.
My baby shower date has been set, and I will be sending out the invitations so soon. I’m glad we could finally sort though the details and get the show on the road. I’m hoping the Arizona heat will treat my baby shower well, as it is at a local park in Phoenix. But none-the-less I am excited for the detail planning with my roommate and her mom.
At the beginning of my 2nd Trimester I did a pregnancy survey, which I am going to do again starting tomorrow! I’m looking forwards to seeing how my life and pesception has changed since earlier this year.
It’s getting late and I have work at 8am, and I’m falling asleep with a lot on my mind still but I will update more tomorrow. :)
Doctor says I’m measuring up for my size, and that my basketball belly is growing beautifully for entering my 3rd Trimester. It’s hard to believe that I’ve gained 20 pounds, but perhaps my determination to not use my pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy has helped. I’m doing pretty well on the stretch mark home front *knock on wood* and keeping my skin pretty moisturized. I hate being so self-conscious but think it’s completely normal to have thoughts that your body suffice pregnancy without battle wounds and will bounce back amazingly. I won’t be completely let down if the next handful of weeks take a turn for the worst.
I’m eating well, I’m mostly sleeping well — tummies are hard to accomidate sometimes — and I feel great mentally even with all the other stuff loaded on my plate. One day at a time, and all the patience and persistence will pay off.
Well, I’m down to an estimated 80-some days left, thats 12 weeks and for those who don’t speak in gensation, about 3 more months. I day dream of Ella’s and I’s life together between me working and being home. I’m thinking if bath time, play time, feeding time, family time.. But most importantly I’m thinking of how I’m going to give her all of these things and making sure we don’t have to struggle more than we have to.
For anyone, being a first time parent is not easy so I cannot go into this with a mindset that I’ve got everything under control. I can however go into this with the idea that I’m going to do this alone, regardless of family and her dad. I’m going to have to plan and budget on baby sitters when I work, her being a fussy baby, changing every diaper by hand and Moby wrapping her to my body just to get around to cleaning the house. I’m going to have to plan on not missing what 22 is “supposed” to feel like.. and to be honest, I’m already ready to start giving up what people like to tell me are the “wonder years” for the real Wonder Years of being a parent.
There is so much about this sitation that hurts me, and there’s a lot of me that looks back to a year and a half ago when my ex and I were happy, in love, and living together. There’s just a small handful of choices I would have made differently that would change where I’m at today. But, I know I cannot dwell on opportunities lost. Right now, all I can do is cross my fingers. All I can do is prepare for a bumpy ride. All I can do is continue to give my 100% in hopes that not only does it provide a great life for Ella, but that my love and hardwork encourage her dad to what is right, too.
They say the last trimester is the slowest, but when you’re in my position it has a tendancy to fly by. I’m still in limbo with staying in Arizona or moving to Oregon, but for reasons that are a hard toss up with money vs. convenience. And alas, family is just like friends.. They too can only sacrifice so much time and any sort of support before realizing they have their own lives too.
I’m ready to start crossing those bridges though. My next bridge is my baby shower, and the reality of all the new baby stuff coming my way. Also, bi-weekly prenatal appointments and preparing to move.
I’m ready, I’m ready to give Ella and I a foundation to start living our lives on. I’m ready to love her unconditionally, and even give up whatever is left of me to do so.
80-some more days.. and I’m counting down until I see your beautiful little face.
Well, I finally have some free time on my hands between school and work. I’m living with Hannah for a month or so while I finish school, and depending on the return from my Pell Grant I could be moving to Portland or staying here in Phoenix. Inevitably I would love to stay here even though I could live with my dad for free for 6 month, it would cost so much to move there and back to Arizona, all the while keeping Ella at a larger distance from her dad. Yes, free rent sounds great but 6 months flies and then I’ll be in the same position I will be in 3 months from now.
I would however, like to find a roommate. Which sounds nearly impossible with a newborn, but I know I have other single mommy friends who are actually up to the idea. I’m not pushing one way or another right now.. I’m just *preparing* to move regardless and planning on either to happen.
I’m finalizing the important details for my baby shower - date, time, and place - before handing it over to Hannah and her mom. I’m actually really excited to see my friends more than anything! I’ll also be inviting family, and may even turn it into a co-ed party.. I know my guy friends would just embarrass me though.
Otherwise, right now.. I’m doing well. I have a prenatal appointment tomorrow, which also marks my THIRD TRIMESTER. You guys, my third trimester. People say that time flies when you’re pregnant, but it has gone so slow.. I wish that from here on out time would fly, but now is when it gets the slowest. -__-
I have a lot on my mind with this pregnancy, but never enough time to let it out. Tomorrow I am setting aside a block of time to just let it all out. Oh.. tomorrow.
Last time I checked I had gained 17 lbs, I’m eating extremely healthy and I’m lotioning up to keep my skin looking great. I feel as if some nights she just grows while I sleep and my tummy feels insanely heavy some days! I have another prenatal on the 14th, which includes an exam and I think we get a Third Trimester Ultrasound soon! That is just weird to say.
But as much as I am secretly in love with my changing body, I am counting down the days until I go back to the normal me. A lot of women say I need to stop worrying and enjoy what life is doing to me but when you grow up one way, and work hard to look one way, you can’t help but to always yearn to be that way when you look down or in a mirror and notice that you’re not the same anymore.
I suppose I’ve hit a stage in my life where I’m finally dealing with body conscious issues that I never had to deal with before. Being single has taken a toll to this part of my thinking because the income of appropriate male affection went from high to low in the matter of months and a girl can only tell herself so much after years of getting priased for her physique. But I’m pulling through, my confidence has not been struck down yet and I find it hard to believe that it will be compromised before I have Ella.. But, doesn’t mean I’m not counting down the days until I go from baby fat to dat ass iz phat.
I wish I had more time to write lately but I’m swamped with work, school, court and sleep. But please know, I am alive and well. Ella and I had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, and she’s growing appropriately and has a very strong heartbeat at 24 weeks! Daddy and I are hanging out as friends, rarely but enough to keep us sane. I got a huge baby shower present from Grandma which included a “Mann Made” quilt that is so adorable, I wish I had one for my own king size bed. *wink wink* I feel like I should have an Instagram account just for baby things sometimes.
I’m preparing to pack and move all of my stuff into storage, and live with Hannah for the last month of school. Everything is coming down to crunch time and I wish I could just have a few more hours in a day or an extra day in a week.
But, things are happening quick and for a reason. I’m ready to see what’s next for us.
Before getting pregnant, I always thought I wanted to be that cute pregnant girl with the biiiig belly, but I’ve recently become sad over the body I had 6 months ago. Now, some other pregnant mommies who romance the idea of pregnancy would say I am being superficial and that I shouldn’t care what happens to my body.. but let’s be real here, I’ve always been a petite, 5’3” girl with a very athletic tone; thanks to genetics and a lot of active hobbies. It would be pretty heartbreaking to lose the last thing to call my own haha.
Now, there are a handful of mommies who agree with me, and I know there are many more just like me out there. I maintain a stretching and low stress floor routine work out every day on top of all the walking I do for school and work. I’m very confident in my choice to stay so active during my pregnancy, and eating healthy as well even though people say I look small for nearly 24 weeks! Pfft.. I’m sorry, but last time I checked not all women use being pregnant as an excuse to let go vs. my natural size and how I carry.
Anyway, just needed to get this mini-rant out of the way. I get a lot of eye rolls from other moms who are having/who had a hard time controlling their weight during pregnancy and I’d just like to put my foot down for us active moms who refuse to romance the idea of also sacrificing our bodies for our children.
But I guess whatever happens will happen, I will not find my efforts as a lost cause if I turn out differently than I hope.
Ella, I’ll let you know that there are a million people in your life who will let you down and most of them are men. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it over again, but I constantly feel the guilt of moving us away from the one man who will spoil and love you unconditionally you as you deserve. But fear not princess, as the guilt drives into me so does my motivation to make things fair for you.
I cannot promise you that all of your expectations in people will be met, but I can promise you that I will always be there to hold your heart. Your dreams will by my dreams, and your hopes will be my passion. I can only put the confidence in you that not all people are as flawed by expectations as you perceive, and teach you the power of knowledge in trial and error in humanity. You will be a strong minded individual by the depth of your own soul, and I will be proud of your ability to exercise your mind and ethics.
On paper, getting pregnant at 22 without a stable job and not being in a stable relationship is frowned on by society but in my heart I know it’s not all about the family who lives in your house or the excessive luxuries you may be spoiled with. It’s about the love in your heart that you feel from any distance, and working hard to live within your means.. If you just so happen to grow up and work hard enough for those luxuries, then all the power to you little lady, I’ll know I did a good job teaching you the value of never giving up.
What I’m really trying to say is, as your mother your love will be safe with me. If and when those days come around where the proverbial skies are falling down on your world, you have arms to run to and someone to talk you through all the hardest steps of getting back on your feet. I will go a million and more miles for you every day of your life, and you will forget that when you are a stubborn spitting image of me as a teen. But I will never lose sight of the amazing person you will come to be.
You’ve got quite the life ahead of you, Ella, and I’m excited to be the one giving you that opportunity. ♥
Little lady, you’re getting so big I wallowed around the bath tub last night trying to shave my legs. Every day I fall in love with the dream of our lives back in Portland. I will admit now, I loved growing up there and as much as I hate the rain my heart will always resides in that rainy little town we call The City of Roses. I see amazing things for you and I, and my ability to actually give you the life you deserve with just mommy taking care of you. Not to mention, grandpa is so excited for your arrival now!
You have a handful of gifts in the mail right now from family and friends, I’m assuming a bunch of clothes and cute monkey business. We’ll have to show them off when they get here! Unfortunately, we’re going to start packing the apartment soon and will have to put them into storage for a month. But, all the little things from everyone mean the world to mommy, and a million thanks would not be enough.
Well Bun.. we have a busy month ahead of us, get ready in there!