I’m not entirely the type of person who can contain or spill all my feelings. I’m in the middle of that right now, to protect my personal life and to rest assure the thoughts in my head. I can feel the bad build up some days, and all I want to do is lash out and be mean about it. Today is one of those days, I can’t help it. But pretending you’re happy doesn’t always mean you are. I had to be real with myself.. Yes, I do want to be happy and the nice person I know I am but I can’t keep faking it for the profit of someone else in a time like this.

You know what, no matter how much mommy wants to do right to keep daddy around for you there is a certain point where I have to draw the line. I will let you know now, that no one will love and care for you as much as I do, and sadly, not even daddy will compare.

There’s many things a mom will do to keep her child happy, and for you to not have to see or go through the ups and downs of someone else’s selfish priorities like I have is one of the best things I could do for you. Mommy hurts a lot more than she is happy, I’m a person with a big heart gives too much credit to those who don’t deserve it because they always believe in the better of people. But today, I can’t keep believing people are better than what they prove to be because people who don’t want to change will never change.

I can’t guarantee that you too won’t be let down by your own expectations of family, but I will always be your light at the end of the tunnel for everything. I can promise to always be there no matter the level of importance, I can promise to raise you in a positive home with a positive attitude and encourage you to be the best of your ability, and I can promise that even when it hurts I’ll be there right by your side because if there is anyone who understands what it’s like to hurt to the bone and pick back up again, it would be me.

You know, I grew up as an only child to a single dad for more severe reasons than what you will be going through, but all around I loved the life I had and the person who raised me to be who I am today. My dad had no idea what he was doing when it came to raising me, but he gave up his life to give me one.. And I would do it all for you too.

Tough times still follow mommy, and as much good that has been coming our way, we’re not in the clear yet. I stay as happy as I can, and remind myself that it’s all for you.

Bun, it’s all for you.

You know, I’ve been talking to you rather than posting here. I like that about us. But, today was the day I truly fell in love with you.

Up until recently you’ve been more of an idea than a reality. Just an expanding waistline, a reason for my unlimited food consumption and funny pregnant girl jokes but as I was laying in bed with a migraine coming on, you started moving. Now, I’m used to you moving because I see it all the time when you sit snug on the left and I take stupid pictures of it and post it on Instagram so today wasn’t really any different than the last time this happened except I actually watched and felt you move into your cozy left pocket of love with what I can only assume is your butt straight up into the wall of my uterus. I rubbed where I saw your assumed butt is poking out and you just sat there until I stopped. I really like this part of our bonding.

Bun, you’re moving right now as I type this, and I couldn’t help but to be annoyed with you that one morning at 6:30am when you couldn’t find a comfy position. Earlier that same night you moved so low into my abdomen I could of sworn you were making an escape plan, but I walked around and you got cozy up where you belonged.

I could have easily gone and (potentially) found out if you’re a boy or a girl this week, but I’m saving myself some time and we’ll be going to see you February 3rd when you’re into your 18th week of development. I gave daddy the option to help pick out names, and am letting him think about it for a week before I start talking about more baby things.

You’ve brought me an amazing sense of peace in my life, even with all the crazy ups and downs. You’re the reason I suck up my pride and keep walking with a smile on my face and our future on my mind. There are people in this world who could take everything from me, and try because they think they’re doing good for themselves but they will never have my the better half of my heart because that’s all saved for you.

Bun, because I keep a lot of our personal life between you and I, I’m a happy and loving person. You keep me humble and determined to make better for not only you, but for myself. You will be reminded of this every day of your life.

I love you, and who you will become. ♥

As much as I miss my old body, I am in love with how it is changing. My belly button that was once and innie is now an outie and I find it endearing while everyone else finds it creepy. As my belly stretches with the growth of Bun, I am still **knock on wood** stretch mark free. I carry lotion in my purse for when my skin feels tight after larger meals.

Still, no more weird cravings but I do get insane migraines some days. I did realize it might have been from the candles I was burning in my apartment so, I guess we’ll see in a week when I decide to relight them.

I’m so happy to hear that I gained 4 pounds, because for me to gain and keep on any weight has always been difficult. Except if you count that one year in high school, I’m not sure where the weight came from or went to but ever since my body has been reluctant of keeping on the pounds. Yes, I’m mildly complaining about that.

But, I’m healthy and so is Bun. I feel and see the fetal movements, it really puts a smile on my face and adds to the list of “Pregnancy Things That Creep Out My Friends” but I love it for that reason too.

ANNDD, 16 weeks tomorrow! Almost half way there!

I haven’t done a real post in so long. But I think these posts makes the best news. The past few weeks have been boring, to adventurous, to entertaining and required so much patience and positive thinking. So I’ll start out with the life things and move onto the good news.

Life took a lot out of me, mentally and emotionally, but I never lost hope that good things would be coming my way. I felt so lost about this pregnancy, and where it was taking my life. I didn’t really talk to anyone about it either, because as much as my friends want to be there for me, I just really want certain people to be there more. I don’t appreciate my friends any less, because without them I certainly wouldn’t be as positive as I am, but every day I wish those few people who are near and far could be there more.

For awhile I felt so disconnected from Bun, and it turned more into an identity of just being a belly than my soon to be child.. but as I get closer to the day of finding out whether it’s a boy or girl, looking into baby shower ideas, and have asked my ex to help think of names other than the ones I chose, I get just a little more excited. And while were on the topic of finding out the gender of Bun, my doctor’s office called me today to tell me my insurance was finally approved and I can start receiving full coverage benefits for my prenatal care, including ultrasounds and fetal testing. I went in today to learn that I gained 4 pounds and Bun’s heartbeat is strong and healthy. I didn’t cry this time though, haha. The first week of February is my 18 Week Ultrasound, and I will be announcing the sex shortly after! :)

On top of my insurance going through after a two month back-and-forth with the State, good news on my classes came about today while looking into re-enrollment for the two classes I need to finish for school. I know grandparents on both sides are happy to hear about this! TWO CLASSES and I can take my exam and carry on with my professional life. I still can’t believe I quit school a year ago, with a 4.0 and near perfect attendance. I think when I’m done I will feel more accomplished than I would of a year ago.

With a couple of amazing and never forgotten gestures from family and friends, I’m confident about staying in Arizona instead of having to move back to Oregon. While moving back home to Portland may save me some money, it will not cause me any less stress. I am confident in my choice to stay in Phoenix for myself, and my ex who by his own words wants to be there for Bun as much as he can be. I will not strip him of his willingness to step up to the plate because in reality, all men need time and I’m glad I’ve started setting my expectations aside to let him do it at his own pace.

Accepting and understanding the relationship (friendship is probably a safer word to use) between my ex and I has been one of the bigger obstacles of the last month. It’s easy to admit now, but I let my hormones take the best of me, while compromising my own happiness for the worse. As soon as I set all cares and worries aside and focused on building a better me, I was able to proactively move my life in a positive direction. Today I am confident about being single, being a mother and being happy with my decisions, while maintaining a healthy friendship between my ex for the sake of Bun and not myself. By respecting boundaries, and letting go of any curiosity that may hinder my thoughts I am able to keep the focus on making sure that we are being adults for the future of our child.. And in reality, that’s all I want. I hope that any person, male or female, who enters his life can respect that as much as I expect the people in my life to.

This has been a very long update, and I’m glad I waited so long to write this because I cannot stand the thought of going back through my posts and reading about the negative things.

Good things are always to come, and my positive attitude has been one of the few things keeping my hope afloat.

Hmm, right now I’m not sure. As entirely unprepared as that sounds, I’ve spent the last few months keeping my cool about Bun and what my future it going to look like with a baby around. We haven’t bought clothes, furniture or toys yet so the reality is still within my body. We’ve been waiting to find out the gender before we start preparing our lives for such a big change.

I can’t say I’m going to be looking forward to those sleepless nights or the million diapers I’m going to change, but I do know they’re going to be worth it. I am excited to start new traditions as a family, and to watch my child grow up into a person with (hopefully) strong character and appreciation for the life they have.

I have never fallen in love with a child, therefore I don’t know what joys I can anticipate about having one of my own. All I know is when mine finally is rested into my arms I will know what I will be looking most forward to as a mother.

I’m trying to keep the people who are in the delivery room to as few as possible. When I was talking about my birth plan I had mentioned I wanted my ex and a close female support with me.. For me, too many people would stress me out and anyone who *wants* to see the baby will have their chance. I’d just love an intimate setting with a few people who mean a lot to me and this pregnancy.

YES! I’ve put a lot of thought into this because I am selfishly trying to save my boobs from post-breastfeeding effects. I will try to feed for a year, which is only a goal because I know some babies do not like to feed for that long. I’ve selected a highly recommended and rated breast pump and have added it to my registry. The Medela Advance Pump Tote is actually my most anticipated item on my list. And along with that, taking care of myself is never not going to be worth it, even if my boobs do turn for the worse.. The benefits for Bun are more important.