The struggles and pleasant surprises of becoming a strong single mommy-to-be.
Little lady, you’re getting so big I wallowed around the bath tub last night trying to shave my legs. Every day I fall in love with the dream of our lives back in Portland. I will admit now, I loved growing up there and as much as I hate the rain my heart will always resides in that rainy little town we call The City of Roses. I see amazing things for you and I, and my ability to actually give you the life you deserve with just mommy taking care of you. Not to mention, grandpa is so excited for your arrival now!
You have a handful of gifts in the mail right now from family and friends, I’m assuming a bunch of clothes and cute monkey business. We’ll have to show them off when they get here! Unfortunately, we’re going to start packing the apartment soon and will have to put them into storage for a month. But, all the little things from everyone mean the world to mommy, and a million thanks would not be enough.
Well Bun.. we have a busy month ahead of us, get ready in there!
You are 22 weeks into gestation, and this means you are weighing one pound! Now, that doesn’t seem like much, but it’s like carrying the world when you’re sitting on my bladder. You are an active little girl; I feel you move around during the day when I’m out and about and not just when I’m laying in bed.
I’ve picked a name for you, too. Ella is what I’ve been calling lately. It means “all, completely” from the German origin and “torch, bright light” from the Greek origin. Forever and always will you be all that I live for, and - not to get even more cheesy - you will burn bright in my eyes for the rest of my life. Grace is going to be your middle name, taken from the Latin origin meaning “good will” and not so much from the biblical meaning of “grace of God.” I hope you are raised to bestow kindness and compassion on everyone and even your own life.
Thinking of your name took a lot of effort, since I wanted your name to be full of meaning and not just something I thought sounded cool or unique. I went through Quinn, Isley, and Ezra/Esra with various middle names before realizing this was a name I could see using. It also helps that is sound beautiful with just about any last name, which I’m telling you now is more beneficial than you think.
I apologize now for putting you into this situation in which you are going to be born into, Bun. Just know now that you will never be short of love, and you will get the chance to be daddy’s little girl when it means the most. I will never talk down about your dad, or make him into a bad guy for not being able to be there as much as you or him want to be. You will never be short of a protector, beyond me even. Just know now there are handfuls of people in mommy’s life who would already do just about everything to make sure you are safe from harm. I’m telling you now, when you start dating it’s not going to be easy to waive the opinions of all the people who are not afraid to tell a young gent what’s up. You’ll be thankful later in life. :)
Ella, I will make it up to you. I will make things fair, and I will do it all because I love you. This isn’t about me anymore, every choice I make from here on out is about you and how it’ll affect you. I am willing to accept all of that responsibility, and I hope when you are able to recognize it that you appreciate every moment of it.
I love you, and everything you will become to be. ♥
Baby girl, baby girl.. You’re a constant reminder of how much I am sacrificing and working hard for, and maybe even borderline stressing out about in life, but without your arrival and life in mind. I still can’t even believe you’ll be here in about 4 months, that scares the living hell out of me.
The past 5 months have gone by so slowly, but I have no idea where any of the time went. I’m not where I planned myself to be back in January, but I know what my options include. Us moving back to Oregon has been on my mind a lot lately, but I’m trying to stick it out for school and for daddy. I’m not getting anyone’s hopes up, but I am going to start planning on what’s best for you, and not what I selfishly think is best for us.
You’ve been getting a lot of luvin’ lately from mommy’s friends.. The kind of luvin’ I’ve been hoping someone would indulge in with me. Your pretty little womb has been covered in kisses and warm rubs.. I know you feel as happy as I do when you get that special attention.
I’m excited to start planning baby showers soon, and I’m still thinking of names for you. I have two in mind now, but keeping them very hush hush until time passes a little more.
Bun, I never thought my life would be what it is right now.. I cry a lot, not always out of sadness, but the fact is I’ve gone through huge changes that test even the strongest of ones. Regardless, I’m happy and your arrival into my arms will make every single day, good of bad, worth it in my eyes.
I love you, and the little lady you will become. ♥
..YOU LITTLE ACROBAT, YOU! You bring the biggest smile to my face when you squirm and kick. Yes, I can feel you kick now! You are amazing, and those flutters are the most anticipated moments of every day. I found out that I can use my stethoscope and hear you inside of there, too! I’ve yet to try it out, but when I do everyone will know.
Tomorrow, at 18 weeks and some odd days, I find out if I will be calling you “he” or “she” and giving you an even more personal identity than “Bun.” Don’t get me wrong, I love calling you my little Bun, and you’ll be continued to be called that until daddy and I agree on names, but the beginning of your personal identification starts tomorrow and that to me is very special.
I talk to you more than ever, sometimes even beg you to go back to sleep so I can catch even a few more hours of rest, and you seem to be responding to my voice and little does daddy know.. you respond to being around him too. I haven’t told him that yet, but it can be our little secret.
Tomorrow little one, are you excited?
You know what, no matter how much mommy wants to do right to keep daddy around for you there is a certain point where I have to draw the line. I will let you know now, that no one will love and care for you as much as I do, and sadly, not even daddy will compare.
There’s many things a mom will do to keep her child happy, and for you to not have to see or go through the ups and downs of someone else’s selfish priorities like I have is one of the best things I could do for you. Mommy hurts a lot more than she is happy, I’m a person with a big heart gives too much credit to those who don’t deserve it because they always believe in the better of people. But today, I can’t keep believing people are better than what they prove to be because people who don’t want to change will never change.
I can’t guarantee that you too won’t be let down by your own expectations of family, but I will always be your light at the end of the tunnel for everything. I can promise to always be there no matter the level of importance, I can promise to raise you in a positive home with a positive attitude and encourage you to be the best of your ability, and I can promise that even when it hurts I’ll be there right by your side because if there is anyone who understands what it’s like to hurt to the bone and pick back up again, it would be me.
You know, I grew up as an only child to a single dad for more severe reasons than what you will be going through, but all around I loved the life I had and the person who raised me to be who I am today. My dad had no idea what he was doing when it came to raising me, but he gave up his life to give me one.. And I would do it all for you too.
Tough times still follow mommy, and as much good that has been coming our way, we’re not in the clear yet. I stay as happy as I can, and remind myself that it’s all for you.
Bun, it’s all for you.
You know, I’ve been talking to you rather than posting here. I like that about us. But, today was the day I truly fell in love with you.
Up until recently you’ve been more of an idea than a reality. Just an expanding waistline, a reason for my unlimited food consumption and funny pregnant girl jokes but as I was laying in bed with a migraine coming on, you started moving. Now, I’m used to you moving because I see it all the time when you sit snug on the left and I take stupid pictures of it and post it on Instagram so today wasn’t really any different than the last time this happened except I actually watched and felt you move into your cozy left pocket of love with what I can only assume is your butt straight up into the wall of my uterus. I rubbed where I saw your assumed butt is poking out and you just sat there until I stopped. I really like this part of our bonding.
Bun, you’re moving right now as I type this, and I couldn’t help but to be annoyed with you that one morning at 6:30am when you couldn’t find a comfy position. Earlier that same night you moved so low into my abdomen I could of sworn you were making an escape plan, but I walked around and you got cozy up where you belonged.
I could have easily gone and (potentially) found out if you’re a boy or a girl this week, but I’m saving myself some time and we’ll be going to see you February 3rd when you’re into your 18th week of development. I gave daddy the option to help pick out names, and am letting him think about it for a week before I start talking about more baby things.
You’ve brought me an amazing sense of peace in my life, even with all the crazy ups and downs. You’re the reason I suck up my pride and keep walking with a smile on my face and our future on my mind. There are people in this world who could take everything from me, and try because they think they’re doing good for themselves but they will never have my the better half of my heart because that’s all saved for you.
Bun, because I keep a lot of our personal life between you and I, I’m a happy and loving person. You keep me humble and determined to make better for not only you, but for myself. You will be reminded of this every day of your life.
I love you, and who you will become. ♥
You’re making this 2nd Trimester looks easy! Our lives are pretty well right now, no stress no drama. This has been great for mommy’s hormones, and I told you little one.. things always get better.
We go in the first week of February to find out of you’re a boy or a girl.. Daddy is coming with too! He’s been there for us lately, but mostly for you, and that’s all I could ask for. We’re not fighting, and I even got to see our puppy Lillian. Ah, mommy is such a happy lady lately.
We have some amazing people in our lives, Bun. There are truly a few out there who want to see us progress in life for our futures, like Uncle Evan. He’s been mommy’s life saver lately, and because of that my hopes are still on high and I can continue to confidently work hard every day to provide more for us. He’s going to come visit us soon from Portland!
I felt you move the other night, and a couple of times since then. You just squirm a little, and sometimes you move from one side of my belly to the other. I’m just enjoying all of it, and thank you for all the little moments you are providing me.. I really am enjoying this experience and loving you more every day.
I can’t believe it’s already been 14 weeks; half way there seems to be right around the corner! I have one more month of calm nerves then the baby shower planning is in full effect! I’m going to be having at least three! That does make mommy a happy lady to know she has a lot of friends who care about her and you.
We will be okay, always. Mommy is a strong woman, and a very positive one at that. You’ll learn some of the greatest lessons by keeping a positive attitude. At 22, I can say sometimes it’s the only thing that got me to the next step.
I love you. ♥
Merry Christmas, Bun! This time next year I’ll be overjoyed for the holidays, and we’ll start new traditions you will celebrate every year. When I was growing up, my dad and I had the most amazing traditions of decorating the Christmas tree, and buying a new ornament every year, hanging the stockings on the wall (because we lived in an apartment) and the most memorable Christmas mornings, opening presents as the two of us, and going to see our family in our holiday outfits. It’s much harder to get into the spirit when you live in the desert, but sometimes it’s truly the people who make it.
Bun, life is getting harder. Mostly it has to do with the time of year, but great things are to come in the near future. We might be moving in a couple months near your uncle, aunt and cousins in Glendale too. It would be nice to start over in a new area, with family and a new home. I’m not even concerned about leaving all of my friends, because what’s really important is taking care of you.
You’re growing a lot, beginning to be a pain in mommy’s uterus. But, I’m excited to see you grow! Happy Holidays, Bun.
I love you. ♥
Baby, we got a little rattled the other night. I went in to make sure you were okay and tears came to my eyes when the Ultrasound Tech broke protocol and showed me your little heartbeat on the screen. They measured you 2 days ahead of schedule, which is seriously dampening my plans of your grand July 4th entry into the world. But, as long as you make it here I’ll be happy.
It’s just you and me now. Only you and me when we go to the doctors, and I don’t get to share those moments with anyone else. I’m not doing it to be selfish, because if I had it my way daddy would be there.. But it can’t be like that for the next year. I’m really sad that I gave too many chances to someone who didn’t deserve it, and now by law there are no more chances to be given. I have a hard time walking away from this because I’m so full of love and hope that your family could have made it work. But, cards have been dealt and it’s up to me to make sure you never have to go through the same troubles.
Bun, I’m scared right now. But I’m keeping it together as much as possible. I’m trying to keep my emotions in check and my hopes high in favor of our lives progressing for the better. Smoothies make things a little better, but they don’t solve problems.
We see the doctor on Monday to talk about your progression and health. I’m also getting video of you next week too! I want to show you off to the world. So many people care about us and they want to see you grow into to be a healthy human being. Be thankful for that.
You’re changing my life in an extreme way, Bun. Everything is different, and nothing will ever be the same. A lesson you will learn early in life my dear, is that change is the only constant and you should never fear that.
I love you, and who you will become. ♥
Hey little one, so many people are excited for you! All of my friends can tell that you’re going to be a big, healthy baby already seeing as you’re trying to show off in my petite body so early. You have so many people who are awaiting your arrival, and think that mommy is doing a good job making sure you’re going to have a good life.
You’ve been less picky about food lately. Today you demanded pancakes, and that’s alright with me. You’ve been too kind and have released me of my mercy of the porcelain gods, now I can actually be more productive with my days instead of laying in bed like a prisoner of my own home. I appreciate it!
You’re the about the size of a Kumquat now - some weird fruit I’ve never eaten even in my 22 years of life - and have little tiny arms and legs now! I’ve been told you’re able to kick up a storm now, but I know I won’t feel your flutters for a few more months. I tell daddy about how big you’re getting, and I know he’s secretly excited to see you when we have our next ultrasound before Christmas. Once he sees and hears your little heart beat, he’s going to start falling in love with you even more than I have.
You’re an amazing addition to my life, no matter how hard I am struggling right now. You’re teaching me a lot about patience, responsibility and my ability to love selflessly; that includes you and daddy. Even so early in my life, my hard work already feels worth it.
Bun, I love you and who you will become. ♥