When I think of moving back to Portland, I am relatively happy with how I see my life when I get there. To be honest, the only thing keeping my heart at bay in Arizona is the sense of freedom and the amazing hot weather. I’ve been so spoiled by being able to live my life however I want, and spending endless warm summer nights out with friends. I’ve lived at leisure for a year and a half now and not having those same means is harder to realize. Those two things alone are the only selfish thoughts I have not forfeited yet.

I’ve been told I am being unfair to my daughter in believing that being a single parent is healthy. I grew up with a single father, and in my eyes our family was perfect. His presence in my life was very hard earned and he gave up even his most valued possession of freedom up for me. I admire him more than the world, knowing what I do now. It’s hard for so many people to wrap their minds around the fact that I am not kicking my ex out of Bun’s life, and that I’ve rather her have one strong amazing parent than two dysfunctional parents. Not that my ex and I are dysfunctional, but there is so much potential for problems to get in the way. I’ve stated time and time again that I wish he takes ahold of every opportunity to be there for her, I will never shut the door on him.. I suppose the distance is the hardest rock to climb and it’ll be up to him to take the initiation to be there outside of the effort I, too, will put forth.

I know now that even with distance between families, there will be so much love in my child’s life that when she’s old enough to understand she will truly appreciate the opportunities that will be given to her. She will understand that I did what was best for us to not struggle and be another single mom statistic, and to appreciate the importance of family. These are the hopes I have for her at least. I know not every person can see their lives that way, but maybe the future will change where she won’t even have to worry or resent the distance.

On the topic of me being single, my ex and I, and the future between us; it’s hard to tell where our road will end up. The past few weeks have been a constant emotional push out of my life, and my liberty to express my freedom as a single female. In reality, that’s not always how I feel. I make dozens of jokes about find a “new baby’s daddy” which is not the case, because in my eyes my daughter only has one dad. I am not trying to make up for the “broken family” in which we are right now, but I do hope to bring a family together, one way or another. As confident as I am in being a single mom, I do have dreams of meeting someone I love and getting married. I do have dreams of family vacations, and my girl growing up with the luxuries of being a “daddy’s girl.” The bond between a father and daughter can potentially be unbreakable. I wish that for my little girl.

I am far too tired to passionately elaborate on these feelings, perhaps another time I can finish what’s on my mind.